We're Your Fan Base!
by Professor Sexymore
Summary: Your favorite Death Note characters get harassed by a group of fangirls... and each other. L, Light, Mello, Near, Matt, and more! Crack and yaoi hints. Rated for language.
1. L and Light

**Experimenting with different styles of writing. I went for a more humorous feel for this one, but I might have failed terribly. **

**So basically, a group of fangirls end up in the Death Note world. They find L and Light at the coffee shop and go off into a fit of fangirling while asking L and Light questions. I always find it funny how people always think they would be calm and become L's lover if they went into the Death Note world, when in reality they would probably act something like this. (Perhaps less weaboo-ish though.) BUT YOU GET MY POINT. **

**Now on to the story. :3**

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><p>L and Light sat quietly in a little coffee shop near the Kira Investigation Headquarters. Light had suggested they go out and get some air, and L got his usual slice of strawberry cheesecake and sugar-tea, so technically it was a win-win situation. Light nibbled softly on his doughnut while L slurped rather loudly on his tea, his eyes fixed on a table across the room. At the table sat a giggly group of girls who were pointing at them and whispering loudly to each other. L glanced over at Light who seemed to have dozed off, gazing distantly out the window. L gave the girls another glance before tugging the chain that connected him to Light.<p>

"Hm?" Light mumbled absentmindedly, dragging his gaze back to the raven-haired detective.

"Does Light-kun know these girls?" L drawled, staring at the group that was now squealing in excitement.

Light followed his gaze and furrowed his brow in confusion. "No, I can't say I do. Are they staring at us, Ryuzaki?"

L nodded. "Yes, I think so." The insomniac paused, staring up thoughtfully. "They could be a group of Kira worshipers, therefore raising Light-kun's percentage by… eight percent."

Light rolled his eyes and mumbled something about not being Kira under his breath. L, after hesitating for a moment, began to eat his cheesecake when a loud squeal erupted from one of the girls from the table.

"Omg, L's eating cake~ He's so kawaii~" a blonde-haired girl shrieked, holding her face and grinning in happiness.

L froze, dropping his fork on his plate. They knew who he was! That just wasn't going to do. L wordlessly stood and stalked over to the table in a semi-rushed manner, pulling Light out of their booth.

"Ryuzaki-"

"Light-kun should be quiet." L interrupted, his tone urgent at he reached their destination.

One of the girls literally fainted as they approached while the rest erupted into another fit of squeals.

"He's even cuter in person~"

"LOOK! He really does look like a panda!"

"Oh, don't you just want to ruffle his hair?"

"Him and Light are SO kawaii together~"

L opened his mouth, before closing it again. "I can assure you that Light-kun and I are not in any sort of relationship. I am also very interested in knowing why you called me L," he said after finding the right words. Light was blushing, looking down at his feet.

"Everyone knows who L-kun is~" a girl sang, suddenly lunging forward to hug him.

L quickly stepped backwards, causing the girl to crash into the tiles floor of the coffee shop. "Everybody knows what his title is, but no one knows him as a person," L said blankly, though secretly he was on the verge of having a nervous breakdown.

Another girl giggled. "Oh, quit playing L-chan~ We know you're L, you aren't fooling us."

A brunette reached over and tugged on L's sleeve. "Come on, sit with us! We want to ask you some questions."

"You all already know too much." L said flatly while Light just stared in half-shock.

"Oh, don't worry. You're identity is safe with us~ Now pleeeeeeaaaaaase, sit with us? Please L, Ryuga, Ryuzaki?"

L sighed, crouching in a chair at the end of the table. "I will stay for a short while, but Light and I need to leave here soon. And I will have to have several arrest warrants filed for some serious investigating."

The brunette clapped her hands together. "Don't worry, we won't take too long!"

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><p>The blonde girl held a notepad and pen, staring eagerly at L and Light who were sitting next to each other. "So! Let's start this off with some relationship questions. How long have you two been together?" She raised her eyebrows suggestively, grinning.<p>

L blinked, keeping a blank expression. "I thought I already told you that Light-kun and I are not in any sort of relationship. Frankly, it would be dangerous to my health. What does Light-kun think on the matter?"

Light was blushing, not overly but it was noticeable. He let out a small cough and blinked down nervously. "Erm… Of course there's nothing going on between us. You suspect me of being Kira after all, so that could never work."

L nodded. "So, as you can see-"

"Aww, they're in denial about their feelings for each other~~~"

"So kawaii!"

"…"

"…"

After the blonde had calmed down, she scribbled something down on the notepad before turning to Light. "How much time do you spend on your hair in the morning?"

Light blinked angrily. "Excuse me?"

"You can't get that perfect of hair by simply just combing it out. How many hair products do you use?"

"That's none of your business-"

"Four." L interrupted.

"Ryuzaki!" Light hissed.

"Right, right…" the fan girl said, nodding. "And how much time do you spend on your hair?"

"Not long, really." Light answered.

"Light-kun, 30 minutes is quite a long time." L argued.

"Damn it, L!" Light snapped. "They're writing this stuff down."

"Which is why you should be truthful."

"I'll show you truthful when we go back to headquarters…" Light growled, folding his arms and crossing his legs in frustration.

"L and Light are gonna fight~" one of them sang. "We should get it on video."

"If any of you make attempts to follow us back, I'll arrest you on the spot." L said blankly.

One of the girl's faces twisted in a pout. "Aww!"

"Okay, okay. Calm down guys," the blonde chuckled before turning to L. "How many sugar cubes do you put in one cup of tea?"

"Fifteen." L replied monotonously.

Light raised an eyebrow. "You keep count?"

"At fifteen cubes of sugar, the tea has almost a perfect balance of eighty-five percent sugar and fifteen percent tea, making it pure bliss."

"That's disgusting, Ryuzaki." Light muttered, shaking his head.

"Light-kun, we have discussed this before. I don't constantly point out your narcissist behavior, and it's just as bad as my addiction to sweets."

"Narcissist behavior? I am _not _obsessed with myself."

"Please, Light-kun. You basically worship yourself."

"Do not!"

"Light-kun is being childish."

"Moving on…" the blonde interrupted, scribbling stuff down. She leaned over and whispered something to the group who, in turn, squealed and said in hushed voices, "Do it! Do it! Do it!"

"Fine…" the fan girl cleared her throat. "Sorry about that. Okay so, do you guys have to shower with each other?"

Light, who had been sipping tea, spit it out in a loud spurt, showering the group. "Excuse me?" he choked.

"I believe she asked if you and I shower together, Light-kun." L answered calmly.

"I know _that,_ but it's rather personal, don't you think?"

"Not at all. Yes, Light-kun and I shower together, because I have to watch him 24/7." L rattled the handcuffs for emphasis.

"_Ryuzaki!_" Light exclaimed quietly.

"Again, we must be truthful, Light-kun. There's no need to be so shy."

"They _do _shower together!"

"Perfect yaoi couple! So kawaii!"

"Why do you skip from speaking English to speaking Japanese in mid-sentence?" L asked, his tone dull.

The all paused, giving each other questioning glances before one of them finally shrugged. "Dunno."

"We are _not _a yaoi couple!" Light exclaimed suddenly. "I don't see where you get these sick fantasies from."

"It is probably because we argue frequently like couples do, we are chained together, and we are both intelligent," L drawled, completely calm compared to Light's incredulous state.

"But- how do they _know _that stuff about us?"

L shook his head sadly. "I wish I knew, Light-kun."

The girl interrogating them smirked, before asking her next question, "Do you guys share a bed?"

"…Do you want us to be gay?" Light asked, his eyes narrowing as he clenched his fists.

"We all do, very much." the fan girl confirmed.

"I'm afraid I don't feel any attraction to either gender. I think I may be asexual." L said, breaking the girls' moment.

"But L-kun, Light is _perfect_ for you!"

"Light-kun is Kira. I do not get in intimate relationships with Kira." L stated.

"So? You can _change_ him!"

"So you agree Light is Kira?" L raised an eyebrow.

One of them gulped. "Err…"

_Smack!_ A girl slapped the brunette on the back of the head. "You totally messed up the story! Now who knows how it's gonna end?"

The girl rubbed the back of her head. "Ow… Who knows, maybe now they end up together?"

"No, L's gonna throw Light in prison! Now they'll never have a chance at love!"

"…"

"…"

The turned their heads back at the silent pair, letting out nervous chuckles. "Hehehehe… Sorry about that."

"Apology not accepted," Light said flatly. "And I'm not Kira."

"But Light-kun," L started, mildly amused. "These girls have not been wrong yet. Therefore the percentage that Light-kun is Kira has risen to… Thirty percent."

"Of course," Light muttered, massaging his temple. "Can we leave now, Ryuzaki?"

"If Light-kun wishes," L replied simply, standing up from his chair. "It was your idea to leave headquarters, after all…" The detective looked up thoughtfully, resting his index finger on his bottom lip. "So technically this whole situation is Light-kun's fault."

Light narrowed his eyes. "…I wasn't joking when I said 'I'll show you truthful when we get back to headquarters'."

L raised an eyebrow. "Light-kun wants to fight me? Wanting to do harm to L is very Kira-like…"

"You say a percentage and you won't have to wait till we get back to headquarters."

The girls erupted into stifled giggles as Light and L talked. As Light and L began to argue, one of them took out a camera and snapped a picture. L was at the girl's neck as soon as the flash faded. "H-hey! L… you're choking me."

"You will delete that photo at once," L said coldly, his expression emotionless as he stared into the girl's struggling face.

Her arm shook as she held up the camera. "B-But look! You guys look like you're about… about to kiss!"

L snatched the camera with his spidery fingers and held it up to inspect it. Sure enough, the camera had snapped right when Light had gotten very close to L's face, making it look like they were about to lock lips. L blushed slightly before hastily pressing the delete button. He dropped it on the girl's stomach before crawled out of the booth.

The girl pouted. "Aww, he deleted it! They were totally about to kiss, it was so sugoi!"

Light rolled his eyes. "I was _insulting him."_

"In a seductive way," L said teasingly, yet blankly.

Light glared at him. "You are not helping anything."

"I wasn't trying to," L stood up, giving the chain a light tug. "We should be going. Come on, Light-kun."

Light began to gratefully head for the exit, L following. All of a sudden, L stopped them in the middle of the café, turning back to the girls. "Who are you?"

The group chatted for a moment, before one turned to them. "We're your fan base!" she cheered, grinning widely. "We love you, L-kun! You too Light-chan!"

L paused for a moment, before blankly saying, "We have a terrible fan base, Light-kun."

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><p><strong>Not all of the fan base is terrible! D: Just the weaboo-obsessed-fangirls! <strong>

**And so concludes a fail-fic by yours truly. Review how I did, so I can get better! :D I _do _read your reviews, even if I don't reply to them!**


	2. Mello, Matt, and Near

**Here's a Matt, Mello, and Near version! I like this better than my L and Light version, it was more fun to write. :3 Thanks for the reviews, by the way~  
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**Alright, that's pretty much it. Enjoy~**

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><p>Mello and Matt sat together on an old, worn out couch in their hideout. It was dim in the room, the only light coming from a rusty table light and the faint glow of the TV. Near sat beside the TV, building a rather complicated looking dice tower. Mello unwrapped a chocolate bar in a frustrated manner while Matt played his DS idly, staring at the screen with an intense look through his yellow goggles.<p>

"Matt, remind me again why we're watching the sheep?" Mello snapped, biting a chunk out of his candy. Near paid no attention to the insult as he continued to stack the dice.

"Roger's paying us," the redhead replied, not looking up from his game.

The mafia boss let out a groan. "I could think of a hundred things I could be doing right now besides watching that albino twit."

"Then write them down. Anything to keep your bitchy comments to yourself," Matt muttered before receiving an expected smack from his friend. His DS landed on the ground with a _thud_. He picked it up, his face twisting into a scowl as he realized it froze. "Geez, Mells. Quit overreacting, it isn't good for you. With a press of a button you could probably blow up fucking China or something."

"Please watch your profanity." Near said, his voice emotionless as he continued to stack dice.

"Near, no one asked for your opinion." Mello snapped. "And no worries, Mattie. We only have bombs set up in America. Speaking of which, remember you asking me why your X-Box was ticking the other day?" The blonde grinned evilly.

Matt lit a cigarette and brought it up to his lips and gave Mello a wary look. After letting out a puff of smoke, he replied to Mello. "Yeah, what about it, Marshmellow?"

Mello's eyes narrowed. "Don't call me that, ginger head. Anyway, I turned your X-Box into a bomb. I can make it go off whenever I like." He held up a remote that he pulled from his leather jacket threateningly as he twirled it in his hands.

Matt shrugged as he took another hit off his cigarette. "I have two others. So go ahead, blow it up."

"Gladly."

Before Mello could press the button, a knock was heard at their door. The blonde groaned. "Come in! And it better be fucking important!"

A man pushed their heavy metal door open. He looked rather shady with rough facial hair and shaved, black hair. "Mello, there are a group of girls who say they know you." The girls poked their heads in, grinning widely and letting out low squeals as they saw Mello, Matt, and Near.

Matt looked up from his DS that he had begun playing with. "Mells, now is not the time to be buying whores. We have to watch Near, remember? And Roger wouldn't like it if we sent him back scarred."

Mello scowled. "I didn't buy any whores! They're probably for you, you slut."

"I have this Zelda game to finish. Hardly got anytime for prostitution."

The man in the door cleared his throat loudly. "Ahem… What would you like me to do with them?"

Mello waved his hand dismissively. "Leave them here, I'll decided what to do with 'em."

The man nodded simply, pushing each girl in with a rough shove.

"Stranger-chan, you don't need to shove, we can just walk in!" one of them groaned.

Mello raised an eyebrow as he recognized the Japanese suffix. "Japanese? What the hell is this?"

He was not given an answer as the mafia member slammed the door behind him, leaving a group of about five girls that were giggling. Mello raised an eyebrow. "What's so funny?"

The giggles got louder as the one at the front formed a heart with her hands, squinting so that Matt and Mello were in the middle of it. Mello blinked in surprise, looking at Matt then back at the girls. "What the fuck are you trying to hint at? I don't even know you!"

Near frowned. His dice tower, which was coming together quite nicely, had collapsed into a heap when the man had slammed the door. Not motivated to build it again, he decided to simply watch the situation. "Again, watch your profanity. Don't you have any respect, Mello?"

The girls squealed at the sound of Near while Mello tossed and insult and a scowl his direction.

"Looook, it's Near! He's so kawaii!"

Near raised an eyebrow. "Why did you just call me cute in Japanese?"

Mello cut in. "That fucking sheep? Cute? What kind of drug trip are you on?"

A fan girl grinned widely. "Don't pretend you don't love him, Mello-chan!"

This comment caused another one to frown. "You pair him with Near? No way, he's _so _much better with Matt."

"Is not!"

"Is too!"

"How about neither?" Mello snapped. "I'm not gay. And how the hell do you know our names?"

Matt smirked as he continued to play his DS. "If you aren't gay, you shouldn't wear so much tight leather. I seriously thought you were a transvestite the first time I saw you."

Mello slapped the redhead on the back of his head. "Did I ask for your opinion, ginger? Didn't think so. So shut up."

"Look, they're flirting~" a fan girl sang. "So kawaii."

Mello's stare turned dangerous as he turned back to the girls. "Keep your sick comments to yourself!"

"But Mello-chaaan…" one of them pouted. "We came here to see you guys."

"Matt, Near, do you know them?" Mello asked, his gaze switching between the gamer and the white haired boy.

"I do not." Near replied simply, playing with a couple of figures near him.

"Never seen 'em before. Guess they're here for you, Melly-Smelly."

"Melly-Smelly? Why I outta-" Mello was interrupted as one of the girls let out another shriek.

"Near _so _kawaii when he's playing with his toys! I just want to go mess with his hair!"

"That would not be advised." Near said emotionlessly, his gaze flicking up from his toys to look at the girls.

"How could you call_ that _cute?" Mello asked irritably. "He's an emotionless sheep. Mattie is cuter than he is." He visibly paled when he realized he said something he shouldn't in front of the yaoi-obsessed girls, who quickly ate it up.

"Mello favors Matt~ Mello favors Matt~"

"I told you! They're the perfect couple! Totally beats L and Light."

Mello raised an eyebrow. "You think L and Kira fuck? By the way, you're wrong about Matt and I. And if I hear one more word about it I'll have a gun to your head. Promise you that."

"L and Kira? That's like… Mario and Bowser." Matt commented absentmindedly.

"You're embarrassing."

"Love you too, Marshmellow."

A girl nodded at the end of their conversation. "L and Light are _so _kawaii. But they don't flirt as much as you two do."

Mello pulled out a handgun. "What the fuck did I just say to you?"

The group sweat dropped and backed away, waving their hands in front of them defensively. "Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry!"

"Mello is very defensive about him and Matt. Could be sign…" Near trailed off. His tone was emotionless but his eyes flickered with amusement.

"Even Near agrees~" one them sang, before quickly hiding behind the others.

"Near, you best be quiet. If we weren't getting paid for this…" Mello growled, biting into his forgotten chocolate bar to try to relieve stress.

"Mells, don't worry. You're way too feminine for my taste." Matt said, grinning.

"Mattie, I have a handgun in my hand. You shouldn't fuck with me right now."

Matt through his hands up dramatically. "Oh no, Mello and the mafia are after me! If only I had a gun! Oh wait, I do," He put his hands back down and un-paused his video game. "And video games teach me hand-eye coordination, so I could probably kill you before you could kill me. Just pointing out a fact, Mells."

"I have bombs. And hundreds of experienced mafia members. You lose."

The fan girls, which had been quiet for a while, erupted into laughter at hearing the conversation.

"Mello owns again~"

"Matt would _so _win if Mello didn't have the mafia."

"You kidding? Mello is too sugoi to get beaten by Matt."

Matt and Mello exchanged blank glances at the girl's comments. Finally, Mello spoke. "Just who the fuck are you guys?"

A girl giggled. "We're your fans, silly! Matt-chan, Near-chan, and Mello-chan are so kawaii desu~"

"I have…fans?" Near looked unimpressed as he examined his fan girls.

Matt looked up from his game. "Of course I'm cute, what else could you call me? Though Mells could be debatable as cute. He's as cuddly as a psychotic man with a butcher knife. On crack."

Mello shot Matt a death glare before turning back to the girls. "Fans, eh? You wish I would fuck Matt _and _Near, and have embarrassed me, and you're supposed to be my fans? Wow, what fans. I hope you're around to cheer me on," He bit into a chocolate bar before turning his handgun to them. "Now get the fuck out. Now."

"Uh oh, Marshmellow's getting dangerous…"

"Shut it, ginger head."

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><p><strong>The end! :D I loved writing this, it was fun. I know I already said that, but it's true. Thanks for reading~<strong>

**Also, if you have another character you want me to write about, let me know! (I'd prefer it if they were in pairs. They do not have to be pairings,like MattxMello, but they can be.) If you want me to use a character I already wrote about, let me know. I'll reuse characters.  
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	3. Naomi and BB

**Time to freak Naomi out~  
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**Took someone's request for BB and Naomi. I'm not too sure I did well for this one, since I don't know Naomi's personality very well. But I did my best! D:  
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**Warning: This has cannibalism hints (no real cannibalism). If you're squeamish, you might not want to read.**

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><p>Naomi led a crowd of girls that she had found outside her apartment down the street. They were all <em>begging <em>to see Ryuzaki, so she figured she might as well give them their wish. After all, there's no reason BB should stay hidden. He's only a private investigator. Behind her, the girls were squealing and whispering quietly amongst themselves. She caught a few of their words:

"…so sugoi…"

"…strawberry jam…"

"…BB…"

"…him and Naomi…"

Wait what. Him and Naomi? She looked back and gave them a suspicious look, which they ignored. And not only the thing about her and Ryuzaki, but somehow they knew he liked strawberry jam. And what was 'BB' about? Naomi sighed. She would ask them about it later.

They made a turn into an apartment complex, making their way up an iron staircase to the second floor. She had tracked down BB's location by tracing his cell phone, which he wasn't answering. He was probably working on a side case and was too busy, she decided. Once they reached the door, she grabbed the knob and opened it, not bothering to knock. If Ryuzaki decided he wasn't going to answer, then she wasn't going to let him know she was there.

The sight she was greeted with shocked her. There he was, BB, standing over a woman who had her hands and feet tied together and piece of duct tape over her mouth. Bruises and blood covered her body, which BB added to by kicking her arm. The brown-haired woman let out a muffled moan, flashing a pleading look up at Naomi.

He looked up blankly as he heard them enter, "Oh dear, I must have forgotten to lock the door. I apologize if the sight you see disturbs you."

"Disturbing… Isn't the word!" Naomi attempted to close the door behind her and lock out the group of girls, but they pushed through, staring down at the woman with large eyes.

They were silent for a moment, before one of them yelled out, "Beyond is _so _sugoi! Best serial killer ever!"

Naomi gave the girl a shocked look. "You're encouraging this?"

"BB is _so _kawaii when he eats his jam." another one added in.

Naomi blinked, but didn't reply. She took a few steps towards BB. "You realize you're going to have to explain yourself."

"What is there to explain? I obviously broke into her apartment and tied her up before proceeding to beat her." BB replied, giving the woman another kick on her arm.

"That's what you have to explain!" Naomi cried. She still couldn't believe she was seeing what she was seeing. Sure, Ryuzaki was strange, but torture and assault? She narrowed her eyes as she watched BB kick the woman. "And don't do any further harm to her."

BB brought a finger to his lips. "Let's see… Why did I attack this one? I can't really remember. There wasn't anything good on TV…"

"So you attack an innocent woman… because there wasn't anything good on TV...?"

The fan girls giggled behind her, making comments about how cool BB is. Naomi nearly slapped each one of them.

"That _and _this woman gave me the rudest look on the subway this morning. Completely uncalled for. She needed a lesson on being polite." BB didn't seem disturbed at all as he pulled out a jar of strawberry jam before digging a glob of it out. "Who is it that you have with you, Misora?"

"H-How can you be so calm? You've nearly killed this poor woman. You're crazy." Naomi stuttered.

"I prefer the term 'mentally unwell'." BB grinned, licking the jam off his fingers.

Naomi shook her head. "You're not normal. I always knew there was something off about you from the first day I met you, but this just proves everything. Untie her."

"But if I untied her, what would I eat for dinner tonight?" BB was completely sarcastic about the comment, but apparently the woman and Naomi didn't take sarcasm very well. The woman on the floor proceeded to thrash around madly, letting out muffled screams while Naomi stared in shock, her face pale.

"You're cannibalistic? Why am I not surprised." she muttered after a while. Even though she sounded calm, she was still very pale.

"BB is _not_ cannibalistic!" a girl retorted behind her. "He is too sugoi."

"There is nothing _sugoi _about this. I'm from Japan, I know what sugoi means." Naomi hissed to the girl behind her.

BB couldn't help but go along with this whole scene. It amused him. "Misora, there is nothing wrong with cannibalism."

Naomi gaped. "What the- it's morally incorrect! And disturbing!"

"Have you ever tried another human being?" BB asked, licking his jam-covered finger thoughtfully.

"Of course not!" Naomi retorted.

BB sucked his finger, ridding it of any excessive jam. "Then you have not lived."

There was silence for a moment as Naomi tried not to vomit, faint, kill BB, or a combination of all three. The only noise in the room was the annoying giggling of the girls she was now regretting on bringing here.

"BB is a cannibal!" one of them cheered. "That's so sugoi."

"But we can't call him kawaii anymore." one of them pouted. "Eating people isn't kawaii."

"If BB is eating people, then it is~" another one sang.

"Good point!"

Naomi shot them a death glare, as if to say 'Shut your idiot mouths' before turning back to face BB. She gasped. BB was taking a marker and making dotted lines on the woman's legs and arms, before occasionally scooping up some of the woman's blood and licking it.

"You're sick." she said, shocked. "Why are you making dotted lines?"

"So I know where to cut for the best meat, Misora." BB told her in a tone that implied that she should have known. "Obviously."

"…I didn't think you were serious about this whole cannibalism thing." Naomi muttered, massaging her temple.

"Cannibalism is nothing to joke about." BB said, putting on his best serious look as he locked gazes with Naomi.

Naomi watched BB lick jam off his fingers before continuing to make marks on the woman's body.

"Quit that. And please don't tell me that the jar of 'strawberry jam' isn't what you say it is." Naomi eyed the jar of red mush, gagging slightly at the thought of it being blood.

"Is Misora suggesting I keep blood in jars?" BB questioned, amused.

"It wouldn't surprise me." Naomi replied flatly.

"No, I do not. Blood is only good warm and fresh." He received a satisfactory terrified look from Naomi. _This is better than TV._

"I'm going to put you in a psychiatric hospital. Maybe they can fix your twisted head."

"BB isn't twisted!" a fan girl cut in. "He's too sugoi!"

Naomi glared at her. "I'm putting you in there with him."

BB made a pouting face. "But Misora! That would be my tenth time going."

"Your tenth- how am I not surprised." Naomi shook her head, her hand holding her forehead in an exhausted manner. "Obviously you haven't gone enough."

BB smirked slightly. "But I have! They just can't wean me off humans. The meat is too lean and juicy for that."

"I don't want to hear any more about your disturbing eating habits." Naomi snapped, shaking her head. "Please untie that woman."

"I'd rather not, Misora. Please excuse me for a moment."

BB grinned as he walked into the kitchen. He had collected an arm from his last murder, and decided that it would be fun to tease Naomi with. He entered the room again, holding the limb like a baby in his arms.

"Look, Misora. Look at all that meat clinging to this specimen." He gestured to it with his one hand while he cradled it with the other.

Naomi looked horrified. "Ryuzaki, put that arm away. I don't even want to know how you got that but put it away. Now."

"He has an arm!" a fan girl shrieked.

"Sugoi…" one of them breathed.

BB stroked the arm softly, looking up and giving Naomi a blank look. "But this is my lunch! I cannot help that you happen to be here, so I will proceed to prepare it as such."

"Ryuzaki, there are children in the room. They might just be as twisted as you are, but are children nonetheless. And you're going to eat a human arm in front of them?" Naomi spoke to the raven-haired murderer, but her eyes remained glued on the limb in his arms.

"Of course not, that would make me a bad host." BB replied as if he was offended. "I'll prepare some meat for them as well."

"Prepare some- you will not!" Naomi shrieked. "You need serious mental help. Serious, _serious, _**serious** mental help. And even if I get you that, I'm not sure you'll be normal. This is morbid, horrifying, sick… I could go on and on."

"That hurts, Misora." BB pouted. He was still holding the arm, which he had pressed protectively against his chest. "I was only trying to introduce you to new things."

"Introduce someone else. I'm leaving." Naomi said stiffly. She still looked faint as she pulled her leather jacket tightly around her, opening the door and pushing the girls towards the exit. "Come on, girls. And if that woman ends up murdered, I'm an eye witness. You've been warned."

The girls let out a few pouts.

"Aww…"

"Bye, BB-chan~"

"I bet the arm really is delicious!"

"Shut your sick mouths!" Naomi hissed, before slamming the door hard behind her.

_Slam! _BB let out a wicked-sounding laugh as the door closed. "Ohh, that was good."

He knelt down and took the duct tape off the woman's mouth, holding the arm in a tight squeeze between his arm and his side. "Thank you for assisting me. I think I really got them."

The woman took in a sharp intake of breath, smiling. "Y-you were really believable. And using strawberry jam instead of fake blood... genius. They really thought you were eating blood."

"You think so?" BB grinned at the success of his sick prank. "Misora won't come near me for weeks."

The woman nodded as BB untied her. "Yes. By the way, where did you get the prop?"

BB blinked. "Prop?"

"The arm." the woman explained, rubbing her wrists where the were bound.

"Oh." BB looked down at the arm in his hands. "…This isn't a prop."

* * *

><p><strong>I can read your mind. Wait for it... Wait for it... You're thinking: lolwut. Am I right? :D<strong>

**And yes, the arm was from the third murder in the BB murder cases. I wanted to use the arm when I got the cannibalism idea. The fact people think BB is cannibalistic always amused me. Yeah, he's screwed up, but I'm sure he has _some _sort of morals. (maybe.) So no, I don't support that idea. I simply put it in here because I thought it would be interesting to write about.  
><strong>

**I still like my Near, Matt, and Mello chapter the best, but I hope you enjoyed this one anyway. (I might change it later.)**

**If you have any pairs you would like to see, let me know. As I said before, I will reuse characters.  
><strong>


	4. Misa and Matsuda

**Time to tick Misa off~ **

**This isn't really a pairing fic as much as the fangirls talking to Misa (and Matsuda just kinda standing there)... But oh well~**

**Anyway, I'm glad you guys are enjoying my crack-stories so far.**

* * *

><p>"Cut!" the director groaned through his megaphone.<p>

Misa folded her arms, glaring at the director. "What is it this time? I didn't do anything wrong, I read the script like you said!"

"You skipped a line, look over your script again." the man muttered, massaging his temple. "Everyone, take a ten minute break!" He glared at Misa. "And _please_, Misa-Misa. Get your lines right this time. We need to move on to the next scene." He then stalked off, grumbling something under his breath.

"Humph!" Misa pouted as she walked off the set. "I thought I did a great job. It was just two words, too! He could be a little nicer…"

"Misa-Misa!" Matsuda's voice was heard behind her as she made her way over to the beverages table nearby.

"Oh hi, Matsui." Misa replied, trying to sound cheerful.

The dark-haired brunette walked up beside her, smiling a friendly smile. "Don't listen to the director, I think you did great!"

"Thanks, Matsui. You're always so sweet." Misa smiled as she poured herself a cup of water.

Matsuda blushed slightly and rubbed his neck shyly. "Please, you're embarrassing me…"

"Hey! Who let them backstage?"

An angry yell snapped Misa's attention back towards the set, her eyes falling on a small group of girls who looked a little worried.

"Uh… Director-chan, is this where Misa-Misa is shooting?" one of them asked nervously.

"Do you have passes?"

"Director!" Misa interrupted. "It's fine, let them stay here during our break."

"Fine." he grumbled. "That's Misa-Misa over there, hurry up, you have ten minutes."

Cheers rang out amongst the group as they made their way towards Misa and Matsuda.

"Err… You sure about this, Misa-Misa?"

Misa laughed. "Don't worry, Matsui! I love talking to my fans."

"Oh my gosh, is that Matsuda?" one of the girls exclaimed.

Matsuda blinked nervously. Normally is was Misa who got the attention, not the other way around, so he was a little shocked. But they had used his real name, not his manager name, which wasn't safe.

"Err… No, I'm Matsui. Misa-Misa's manager. You must have me confused with someone else."

"It _is _Matsuda!" another confirmed. "You're so kawaii~"

"Wow, um, thanks I guess…" Matusda replied shyly, blushing. "But again, I'm Matsui…"

Misa giggled. "Wow, Matsui. You must be popular."

Not many moments after the blonde model finished her sentence, a fan girl shouted an insult that surprised most of the people in the room.

"Ew, it's Misa!"

Misa stopped smiling, eyeing a girl from somewhere in the back. "Excuse me?"

"Keep your filthy hands off Light, you whore! Light is way too sugoi to go out with you!"

This shocked both Misa and Matsuda, who didn't reply right away. Matsuda eyed the girl curiously while Misa's mouth was gaped, unsure of what to say.

"How do you know Light?" Misa replied angrily after finding the right words. "And you have no right to talk about me and _my _boyfriend!"

"Uh oh…" a fan girl muttered, taking a few steps away from the group. The other members of the group shouted out cheers of encouragement while Matsuda just stared in shock.

"Light-chan is a genius and deserves way better than you! He's just using you in the Kira case!"

Misa blinked in anger and surprise. "What? _My _Light-kun is _not _Kira, I don't know where you got that stupid idea! Plus who are you to mess with love like this?"

"Misa-Misa, calm down, you're drawing a scene…" Matsuda murmured.

Sure enough, Misa's shrieks were drawing attention to the other members of the cast. They were watching curiously as Misa fumed at the girl who looked just as ready to argue as the blonde was.

"Shut up, Matsui!" Misa retorted. "No one talks about Light like that."

"You look so desperate, throwing yourself all over him all the time. Do you not see the looks he gives you? You're just pathetic!" the fan girl, who obviously wasn't a LightxMisa fan, sneered.

"You don't even know Light! Obviously you're some obsessed stalker of mine. Strange, normally my stalkers are guys…" Misa mentally pictured L in her mind, remembering the fifty day period where she was strapped to a chair.

The girl scoffed. "Fan of you? Ha! Quite the opposite, you're my least favorite!"

"Then why did you come backstage?" Misa snapped. "Go bug someone else with this sick hobby of yours!"

"Sick hobby?" the girl smiled innocently. "What do you mean?" At this point, all the other members of the group had backed away so that Misa could talk to her face to face. They had drawn a small crowd of cast members who were whispering to each other, casting shocked glances at the fan girl. Matsuda just stood there, frozen, unsure of what to say.

"Messing with love like this!" Misa said angrily. "Light and I love each other, why are you trying to get in between true love?"

"I could ask you the same thing _Misa-Misa._" The brunette practically spat Misa's stage name, grinning evilly. Clearly she was up to something that wasn't going to make Misa very happy.

Misa crossed her arms. "What are you talking about? I'm loyal to Light!"

"But that's the thing, Misa. Your _obsession_ with Light is getting in the way with a relationship."

"Light isn't cheating! He promised he wouldn't see other girls!"

"Did he?" the fan girl laughed. "Did he promise he wouldn't see _guys_?"

The blonde paled slightly. "Misa's Light isn't gay." Misa retorted. "Shows how much you know."

"Shows how much _you_ know." the girl countered. "You said it yourself, 'Are you on _that _side of the fence, Ryuzaki'?"

"How do you- I was joking! Plus, Light and Ryuzaki hate each other. They beat each other up in front of me the other day."

"You can only hate someone for so long when you're handcuffed to them 24/7." the fan girl basically purred. "Just admit it. Light and Ryuzaki are kawaii together."

"That's digusting!" Misa shrieked. "You're a pervert to think of them that way."

The girl motioned to the rest of the group. "We think Light and L is a _very_ attractive yaoi pairing. Right?"

"Yeah!"

"Yep!"

"_So_ kawaii!"

"See? Any supporters for Light and Misa?"

"…"

The silence caused Misa to seethe as she tried to keep herself calm. An overly angry outburst wouldn't look good to the media, but staying passive when she was openly getting insulted like this is hard. She wouldn't be overreacting when she says she wants to rip the girl's hair out right now.

"See, Misa? Four to one says you a Light are a terrible couple. Who wins?" the girl grinned evilly.

"I do, because Light isn't gay!" Misa snapped. "If Light didn't love me, he wouldn't go out with me! He isn't that kind of a person!"

"You practically force him into this so-called relationship. L and Light are the better couple, end of story."

"Ugh, I can't believe you!" Misa fumed, slamming her script down on the table behind her.

A blonde haired girl stepped in between them. "…Let's calm down, guys. I too believe L and Light are kawaii, but let's try to calm down." She smiled. "Plus, I have a question for you, Misa."

The blonde model groaned, holding her forehead. "What is it now?"

"What do you think about you and L? As a couple?"

A few squeals erupted from some of the girls, and some comments on how it's a cute couple.

Misa blinked. "You pair me with the creepy pervert, but pairing me with my own boyfriend is wrong?"

"_Please, _you and L are a much better couple than you and Light. At least if you were in a relationship with L, he would actually like you unlike your heartless excuse for a boyfriend." The girl who was set at bashing Misa added in. It was clear she wasn't as brain-dead as some of the other fan girls, but she was slightly thick skulled.

"Light hasn't done anything for you to call him names like that!" Misa cried angrily. "If he was here right now, he'd be hurt."

"Oh if he was here, I would've had a heart attack five minutes ago." the girl muttered under her breath.

"What was that?"

The brunette smirked. "Nothing, Misa-Misa."

Misa sighed. "Besides, L doesn't even feel emotions. He's like some robot or something. He scares me sometimes, so how could we be a couple?"

"Love conquers all~" one of them squealed.

Misa glared at her. "I only love Light. Get that through your stupid heads!"

"Misa-Misa, it's time to get back to set." the director interrupted, approaching the gathered crowd. He looked at both the fan girls, then back at Misa, confused.

"Thank God." Misa groaned. "The sooner the better."

Misa grabbed Matsuda's arm and began to drag him towards the set quickly. "The nerve of some people…" she muttered, glaring at the set ahead of her.

"Sorry, Misa-Misa…" Matsuda mumbled as he as dragged by the blonde model.

Just as she was nearly out of earshot, a call from across the room made Misa cringe again in anger and Matsuda blush.

"Oh, there's a couple we forgot about. Misa and Matsuda~"

* * *

><p><strong>I know, I know. When the chapter said Misa and Matsuda, you probably thought I was pairing them. But I did say they didn't have to be pairings, right? And since I did include Matsuda in this fic, it would seem wrong to just exclude him. And just having a chapter called "Misa" would be weird too.<strong>

**So, any more pairings you can think of? The next one I'm going to do is the one you guys ask me about the most, so if you have a pairing, let me know in a review. Again, they do not have to be romantic pairings. If you just want to see the fangirls harass them, that can be arranged. ;D **

**Review if you like, as usual. **


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